Over the last weeks and months I have been wandering through my art....And life...Lost.
I have been distracted and stuck in some kind of void.
I have staggered, dithered and faltered, getting totally lost and extremely sad. I have blamed it on all sorts of silly reasons, Christmas shopping, hubby having a cold, me having his cold,.... The snow, shopping, cooking... The weather... It's raining.... Anything so as not to confront the deep sorrow that overwhelms me.
I have been feeling hopeless and helpless... And alone. Despite having loved ones and friends all around me.So... Once again, yesterday, to put off what I should be doing....The garden needs tidying up........... It ALWAYS needs tidying up! Get a grip Julie!
How it works, I do not know, while I'm out there, busy cutting hedges, and raking up dead leaves, my reason for such melancholia and the one that I have been shoving to the back of my mind, hits me and there I am raking up the leaves, tears are rolling down my cheeks. So now I'm sitting in amongst the pyracantha and holly that I'm cutting down. The grief of things to come and those that have passed overwhelm me... I am in such pain, my bloody shoulder and neck hurt, (another long story). My head hurts...My heart aches. I want to scream out loud, I want to cry for days.. I sit and watch the birds excitedly searching for lovely grubs to eat in the disturbed areas where I have been working.....
My lovely friend is is hanging on to life by a very tenuous thread. I have not wanted to think about it because I don't want to loose her, she has been my brick, when my daughter was killed in a road accident, she was there at the end of the phone and at my door within minutes..... For years! When an operation I had went terribly wrong, she came with me on the trips to the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital...then treated me to lunch at the R.A. Shared my joy when my grandson was born... She held my hand when my mum died.... I hopefully have been there for her too... I don't know how to help her now.....
My sorrow and sadness are just the same today. Nicole just rang, (my daughter) more tears, I listened to her wisdom, watched the birds in the garden , I feel lighter and more able to cope.... Life is rubbish sometimes..