Over the last weeks and months I have been wandering through my art....And life...Lost.
I have been distracted and stuck in some kind of void.
I have staggered, dithered and faltered, getting totally lost and extremely sad. I have blamed it on all sorts of silly reasons, Christmas shopping, hubby having a cold, me having his cold,.... The snow, shopping, cooking... The weather... It's raining.... Anything so as not to confront the deep sorrow that overwhelms me.
I have been feeling hopeless and helpless... And alone. Despite having loved ones and friends all around me.
How it works, I do not know, while I'm out there, busy cutting hedges, and raking up dead leaves, my reason for such melancholia and the one that I have been shoving to the back of my mind, hits me and there I am raking up the leaves, tears are rolling down my cheeks. So now I'm sitting in amongst the pyracantha and holly that I'm cutting down. The grief of things to come and those that have passed overwhelm me... I am in such pain, my bloody shoulder and neck hurt, (another long story). My head hurts...My heart aches. I want to scream out loud, I want to cry for days.. I sit and watch the birds excitedly searching for lovely grubs to eat in the disturbed areas where I have been working.....
My lovely friend is is hanging on to life by a very tenuous thread. I have not wanted to think about it because I don't want to loose her, she has been my brick, when my daughter was killed in a road accident, she was there at the end of the phone and at my door within minutes..... For years! When an operation I had went terribly wrong, she came with me on the trips to the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital...then treated me to lunch at the R.A. Shared my joy when my grandson was born... She held my hand when my mum died.... I hopefully have been there for her too... I don't know how to help her now.....
My sorrow and sadness are just the same today. Nicole just rang, (my daughter) more tears, I listened to her wisdom, watched the birds in the garden , I feel lighter and more able to cope.... Life is rubbish sometimes..
I been sitting here reading several times and don't know what to say Julie.
ReplyDeleteI do wish your friend gets better soon.
Thinking of you - gardening is good I think, and it sounds like it acted as a release for you. It is terrible to feel you might lose someone so very important to you - I hope she pulls through for her sake and yours.
ReplyDeleteI find this time of year always does this... it is like a download of grief.. and we are just mere humans...this happens to more of us than you would ever think...
ReplyDelete... your drawing is wonderful and so expressive.. that is where great art comes from.. the heart.
... take care
julie, sometimes when life is rubbish we need to examine the dumbs, find what is worthy of keeping--friends, family, hopes, faith--see what we can recycle into something beautiful--memories, personal wisdom and that of others, tangible treasures that give us comfort--and discard all the rest--despair, regrets, negative feelings--otherwise we will never be able to enjoy those things that are worthy...I pray that you friend's days are filled with comfort,mercy and grace...and that yours are blessed with peace
ReplyDeleteO Julie,
ReplyDeleteSo much to be sad, I wished I could help. Don't give up, watch the birds and let your tears come, it can be healing.
Big hug!
Yes... I was just writing to my dear niece who's young husband died in November that some say "the universe never gives us anything we can;t handle", but sometimes I wonder if the universe is a little too confident in our capabilities, or doesn't get how painful being human is. Then I know that what happens just happens, but how to navigate it?
ReplyDeletePeaceful blessings, strength and support to navigate what comes right now.
Blessings, Valerianna
Death stinks! Your words have described my life since I lost my Mom last July. But last week for an entire day I was alive again with hope and excitement. So I know the sun will shine again in my soul (and in yours). I am so very glad that you have had this wonderful friend in your life and I cannot imagine losing one so dear. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteJulie dear, life is rubbish sometimes. It sounds like the best thing you can do, you're already doing. Listening to her, holding her hand, being there for her. That's all we can do for our friends in the end or at the end. Hiding our hurt until we are alone with the birds. I had a dear friend in England who was like a sister to me - met her online. We had many good times together both online and in person over the years. When she was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I wanted to jump on a plane and go over immediately but just couldn't at that time. Then towards the end the flu was running rampant over there and again I couldn't go. She knew I loved her and knew I was holding her hand even though not physically. But it's never stopped me from feeling guilty that I 'wasn't there' for her. I think of her often with joy and with regret...as you will eventually for your friend. But in the end, the friendship is the important part. Take heart and know that you're doing the best you can with what you know how to do and that it will get easier eventually. AND that you have people praying for you. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad because you are sad, you have valid reasons for feeling the way you do. Life does get you down sometimes and I think we expect ourselves to "just get on with it" ignoring the fact that we have wounds and fears and un-shed tears. Everything in balance, give yourself permission to spend sometime feeling the under-the-rock feelings. Don't stay too long as it might become a habit, but don't feel forced to be "up" and little Miss Perky. When you have had enough of gloom, doom, and swimming in the mire, write down your feelings on paper with a messy ball point pen, make a piece of artwork that you make sure there is not one thing you like about it(make it as awful as you can! :))) and do one really kind and super thing for someone you hardly know. Then kick yourself in the butt, have a good laugh at yourself (the universe is a really large place) and get on with it.
ReplyDeleteI'm off to get my nasty ball point pen and get my whines out, later today I will make the worst art ever!!!!!! Gruuuuur! And I AM NOT going to wash dishes or mop!!! So there! HA!
Life, as you say is rubbish, precious rubbish, but even still... :)
The best thing you can do for your friend, hold her hand, tell her you love her and really listen if she is able to talk.
You have expressed so very bravely the 'tortured soul' in us all xx love and hugs and how fortunate we are that we are able to express it in our art. I love your work.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all your pain, Julie. Hope your friend gets better, and wish you strength too.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough to put anything into words that will be just the right thing to say.... you are absolutely right. Sometimes.... life is just rubbish.
ReplyDeleteMy sister and I call each other when things have gone totally awry...and we end up saying... well, there's not a damn thing we can do about it ...except our "usual"... and we have a little giggle... then we both say together...
"Give another reef on the old belt or another pull on the old bootstraps,... give ourselves a good kick in the ass and move forward... it's all we can do". then... we hang up, have our little cry and go on with life....
I wish you some better days ahead....
julie, i do love this drawing very much... xoxo
ReplyDeleteJulie, i am so sorry to hear your story. I lost a very dear friend several years ago suddenly, and understand how you must feel. You have been so honest and brave by telling us how you feel- this in turn giving all those who feel or have felt a sense of grief or loss, some strength to deal with their own feelings.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting such an honest, moving and inspirational post, and wish you much brighter, clearer days ahead. Amanda xx
Be with your friend, stay with her if it's possible. Try to catch Sun, is good against depression. Cry your tears with your friend, even she doesn’t cry. Do foolish things with her.
ReplyDeleteDo the foolish things she wants to do. Believe me you’ll be doing very much.
Well!! what can i say Julie, that you and your friend are in my thoughts. I remember Cherry saying to me once when i was going though a bad time. To look up to the sky, see the emptyness and thinking of being on your own where nobody could hurt you. May sound rubbish, but it helped me and still does.
ReplyDeleteA hard post to read. My thoughts and prayers are with you hopefully magnified by the ether they travel through.
ReplyDelete-J
My heart breaks for you Julie. As I read this I put myself in your place and know I would feel the same if this was my friend. Embrace the sadness, cry, scream, yell - cause you are so right, life is rubbish at times.
ReplyDeleteI am glad your daughter is there for you.
A big cyber hug to you my friend.
xxoo
Sue